Divorce, separation, trial separation, separate rooms, brief vacation, or remaining in a state of quiet desperation. These are the choices that cannot be taken lightly. The end result may simply be a much needed time out or it may require a major, life changing and momentous decision.
- Have you been struggling with marital problems, feeling confused or stuck and not knowing what to do or which way to turn?
- Do your friends tell you one thing (perhaps, get rid of him or her) while your family reminds you of all the benefits of staying together?
- Do you avoid sharing your true feelings with anyone because you feel you are protecting your "sacred" marriage?
If you are confused about how to handle your emotional conflicts and sense of deep unhappiness within your marriage, you are certainly not alone. Marriage is often a place of quiet and not-so-quiet suffering. It doesn't have to be that way, but years of not communicating effectively and numerous unresolved hurts and rejections can pay a huge toll on emotional well-being.
When our partner is physically abusive to the point of being dangerous, it becomes so obvious that we need to split. Even then, some partners are reluctant to leave or keep returning when their abuser acts remorseful and promises to change. The decision whether to stay or leave becomes more difficult when the partner is not a bad human being, perhaps is even an exceptionally nice person - to others. Perhaps your partner is successful in business and provides well for the family. Or your partner is a wonderful parent to your children. But you do not feel intimatelyconnected and your heart aches.
Relationships do not always fit into nice neat boxes and definite patterns. In previous generations there were some standard rules and roles for marriage. The man had the role of provider and the woman had the role of housekeeper, childbearer and homemaker. Each knew their role and lived together, often in a state of "quiet desperation."
Times are different now. Roles are not so clearly defined. Women have found their comfort in the work place as well as at home. Women are no longer just living their lives through their children. Women are pursuing their own unique goals and dreams. And men are often enticed by blatant sexual ads, porn sites, social media connections, and invitations to join their friends at Exotic Dance Clubs
Intimate relationships usually begin with physical attraction. Then two people become sexually and emotionally connected and form a bond. When they choose to marry, they often have a deliberate purpose in mind. Perhaps they want to create a family. Perhaps they want to build a business and have another person to do it with and for. Perhaps they want to have the experience of being intimate.
But living together with another person, day in and day out over many years, with all the details of life, can pay a toll on any intimate relationship. Dealing with financial, emotional, sexual, spiritual, mental, and creative needs and demands as well as responding to the influences of often well-meaning family, friends, colleagues and the media, can definitely influence, affect and destroy even the most intimate relationship.
Many of us were never given the tools or the training required to muster through the difficult times, to hold a vision of what we truly want in a relationship, and to love and receive love. The easy solution is to divorce and move on. Separation can be more difficult because we don't have that sense of finality. Staying in the limbo of separation can give couples the space they need toheal their own selves and enough closeness to remain connected. The love can be rekindled over time. Or, with enough time and space, they can freely decide that the relationship is best severed.
Before making a final decision, it is important to seek help in the form of counseling or peer group support. Sometimes the issues that at first appear insurmountable can be viewed in a newlight after just a few small changes. Sometimes the differences and problems feel too great and the kinder solution for both is to split. Give yourself whatever amount of time and whateveramount of assistance you need until you are truly ready to make a clear decision that may impactthe rest of your life.
Sometimes it is best to consult an attorney, even if you later decide not to follow through withdivorce proceedings. For some couples, just becoming clear and knowledgeable about the realities of divorce can cause them to fall back into each other’s arms and decide to try again to make the marriage work.
Brief Bio of Dr. EricaGoodstone for http://www.uncontesteddivorceny.com
Author of Love Me, Touch Me, Heal Me: The Path to Physical, Emotional, Sexual and Spiritual Reawakening, Dr. Erica Goodstone is also a syndicated columnist with hundreds of articles about healing, love and relationships published on such sites as ezinearticles.com, examiner.com, yourtango.com, and selfgrowth.com, to name a few.
As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Dr. Erica helps clients to reconnect their mind and body, heart and intellect, and to recover their passion and purpose in life. She is a diplomate for the American Association of Integrative Medicine, the American Academy of Pain Management and the American Board of Sexology.
You can contact Dr. Erica directly at www.DrEricaWellness.com and get her free report entitled: Relationship Success.
